Like sands through the hour glass...

There are some things I don't understand. Some things I just don't get and I'm not sure if I ever will, or if I was meant to. There's news I don't understand the delivery, logic, or messenger of. There's thinks that are out of my control and should probably stay that way. There are times when I hope everything's okay, and times that I know it's not. There are things that seem to fall perfectly into place, and things that seem doomed from the start, even if you're the only one who can't see the impending doom.

I don't do this a lot. I don't blog. I use to, I use to write a lot in high school, when I wasn't living in the theatre department. I'd write blogs on myspace, and post them for all to see, except the ones related to boys or drama, those only the preferred list people could see. My preferred list was comprised of my two best friends. We were never allowed to post a private blog, because that meant one of us was mad at the other and wasn't telling, or we were keeping secrets, which you just don't do. It's funny I know, and very high school, but I miss it. I miss them.

I miss a lot of things- I miss Ohio, I miss my family, I miss rain, I miss the green, I miss being able to wake up and walk down the stairs in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear because only my family was home and they didn't care, I miss looking into a backyard of trees, rocks, weeds, and a ravine, I miss not caring, I miss not being accoutable for my actions, I miss being little and taken care of, and I miss things I didn't know I'd lost.

I miss being able to have a conversation without feeling like I'm letting the other person down or boring them, I miss not having to fill every quiet moment with words or sound, I miss having friends. And the funny thing is, I'm not sure how this all happened. I mean the first list is nostalgic and if I really needed those things, there are ways to make them happen. I was in Ohio last summer and yes I loved it all.

But when did I forget how to be a person? I've always been shy, and I've always cared what people thought about me. I've always inhibited my actions so that I know they're okay with other people before I perform them. I've always sensored myself because I've always felt I had to. Except around a few people:

Ryan- my ex-boyfriend of a year and a half who got me through a lot, and I always felt I could be just who I was around. No judgements, no expectations. He was probably the first person who let me know I was okay. He's a good guy.

Charlotte- went through the same boy crap that I did at the same time our junior year of high school. That was how we started talking, and venting, and complaining, and coping with it all. It helped, and with Char it's usually pretty easy because she's aware that I'm quiet when I don't have anything to say, so she'll fill the space.

Ginger- was there that one random day when I drug her outside to the picnic tables at Centennial and complained and vented about a theatre situation. She just kinda sat there and took it. She and I are a lot alike in the way that we express ourselves, or at least use to. Non-verbally. I use to do that a lot, I've gotten much better. I'd rather my boyfriend call me to argue with me, then spend 5 hours texting it all to me. That wouldn't have happened a year ago. And I know Ginge has gotten a lot better at this too.

**I'm somewhere between these 2, well not physically, they're both out in California going to school. They're roommates at Biola (I get to see them this weekend!), they go to the same church, involved in the same things, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to connect with them with anymore. We had theatre, and theatre friends, we had boys, and school, and being busy, now I don't feel like there's much to talk about. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's my biased self-reflection.

Randy- Oh boy. I've known Randy for about 5 years now, because I think 6 summers equates to 5 years. We met working with the preschoolers at the summer recreation program I talk about all the time. I owe this boy more then I can ever tell him, or thank him for. Randy brought me to church, Randy showed me what it was like to have someone dedicated to your well being. Randy showed me what it was to be spoiled, and taken care of, and that it was okay to rely on someone else once in a while. He's always been the one that I could go to no matter what. If I got in trouble he'd have 5 ways to fix it and 2 of them may even be legal. We are dating now, but I don't know if that's even relevent because it's just the two of us being us, except mushier and closer.

Stephanie- I could tell her anything, and I did. There were very fews walls between us, more like rikkity fences that we put minimal effort into building, sincerely for the other's comfort. I was only myself around her, no one else. I never lied to her, rarely got upset with her. That's all I'm gonna say I think.

Marcus Lloyd- we dated junior year of high school and it pains me to say that he was the boy I went through all the crap stuff with with Char. I got over it, no worries. Marcus is one of those people, people wish for in their lives. We don't talk all the time, don't hang out a whole lot, but we're never going to say we're not friends anymore. He's my best friend in every sense of the word, we're just not your typical best friends. He's gonna be there for me no matter what I need. I'd die for him, I'd die for any member of his family, and vise versa. I could ask him, but I already know he feels the same way about me.

Brandon (Cousin)- so we're not actually related, at all, like not even a little bit. One year in high school my friends all decided to adapt each other and Brandon became my cousin. And it stuck apparently because I still get a "Hey Cuz" text whenever he's in town. Brandon's a good guy, incredibly laid back and cool with just about anything, even being lit on fire, and yeah it's happened, quite often actually. He's one of those people who doesn't actually have to talk about anything. Random comments are good with us, they're actually required if you want to engage us in conversation. He's ALWAYS going to be cousin. There's no getting out of it now.

I'm not exactly sure why I wrote all of that. It turned more into an I love you fest but oh well. I guess I did it to let people know who I was, where I came from, and who I am. I've been involved in Nav stuff for the past two years and very few people know who I actually am. I always have fun with them, they're all very nice and entertaining people but I guess I'm still searching for approval.

You should know, I don't talk a lot, and when I do there's always this fear that I'm boring the other person, or I have to perform to keep up the conversation. It's a long standing fear that I've had since I was old enough to have adult conversations. I'm not good at it, and I really am content listening to conversations, and adding comments here and there. I really am okay watching people play games, or just hanging out and watching TV. I guess those actions don't get you many friends, or make you seem like an outsider or stuck up. I don't dislike people, in fact there's one person on the entire earth that I'm not a huge fan of, I have no idea where she is now, and if you knew our past you'd understand how much merit I have in that statement.

I guess I just thought I'd give myself a stress free outlet to show people who I am and what I think about. I'm not gonna keep anyone from reading this, and I vow to never put anything untruthful in here. I'll keep it open, but here it is. I hope people actually read it, and look for updates. You don't have to comment or tell me that you read it. It's just an option, and if you're interested in me at all, I'll try to keep it as accurate as possible.

So thanks!

-Becky