Today we were stuck in our research class until 1:00. Stuck, like rock and hard place stuck. She wouldn't let us leave, even though most of us did random bits of nothing for 2 and 1/2 hours. Even after 1:00 I had to stick around campus to turn something in at 2:00, so I got a carmel apple cider and a cheese plate and went upstairs to the MU which was packed by the way because it got down to 60 degrees today and all the Arizona kids wanted to be indoors. I don't blame them, in fact I was one of them.
So I had to go to this lady's office in Farmer. I'm not a huge fan of Farmer especially in the winter. The whole building is cement with a fountain in the middle, and when the wind blows through the building the fountain sprays. But as I was walking to the office with my starbucks cup, and large jacket this sudden feeling of familiarity came over me. I couldn't pin point why right away, and then it hit me. Second semester of freshmen year, Stephanie, Emily, and I would get Einstein's on the way to class and eat at the tables (the freezing cold cement tables) in Farmer. It was cold, and I was usually pretty tired but it's a good memory. A memory good enough to give me that nice feeling of familiarity.
I'm not trying to reconcile anything, I'm not trying to be the happy go between that makes everything better and like it used to be. It's never going to be like it used to be, and I'm going to have to be a grown up and accept that. I think I have for the most part. It's just every once in a while when I realize that I'm not a huge fan of my every day life right now, I miss having people close to watch a stupid movie with and laugh about nothing. Like being ceremoniously endoured with Chinesehood, and waking up to Little Red Riding Hood in my bathroom.
That's all for now, I didn't mean to upset myself.
I had to write an autobiography for my online class. The class is about the emotional and social development of early childhood education (birth-8) aged kids. It mentions a bunch of people, and also includes some of my insights into teaching. Basically this is what I have to do it my education classes. Not tough, just time consuming.
I was named Rebecca Elizabeth Orr, but who I am is Becky. I don’t feel as if the name Rebecca intertwines well with my personality and the person that I am. I’m definitely more or a Becky, concise and to the point, differing from Rebecca in it’s distinguish and elaboration. I am a much laid back person who attempts to take everything day by day one step at a time. This can occasionally get me into trouble when it comes to issues of planning ahead of time, but my thought process is that if I can get through this moment, I can definitely get through the next. My laid back personality often makes people perceive me as bored or uninterested. In reality it’s quite the contrary. I am rarely bored or bothered about what is going on around me; I just feel that if I have nothing of decent value to add to a conversation then I’ll just listen. As I discovered in exercise 1, I believe that in a way being on the quieter side and not having a desire to talk all that often in new situations makes me seem unapproachable and may inhibit my ability to make friends. This is something I have been trying to take steps to improve upon. Most people that come in contact with me enjoy my company, but a lot of them feel as if they don’t actually know who I am because I don’t often give my input. I think the main reason I am liked by those around me is my sense of humor.
I’m a pretty sarcastic person, quick-witted, and a fast thinker when it comes to social engagements. I’m usually the person to make everyone laugh by presenting a point to a group that is subtle or obvious but accompanying it with a sarcastic undertone that makes people stop for a minute before they understand why I said what I said. I actually really like this about myself, and when I’m around a few of my good friends who possess the same gifts we react to one another and can talk for hours on end about absolutely nothing. Being around people who are similar to me is fun for me personally, but I also enjoy watching how people who haven’t interacted with me before react to my sarcasm. I always tell my friends I like socializing with new people because they still think I’m funny. Besides my interactions with other people the majority of what makes me happy comes from my spiritual life, I explored this through exercise 1.
I am a follower of Jesus Christ, the son of God. I believe that he is my personal savior, and the savior for all those who allow Him into their lives and hearts. I live each day for Him, I would be nothing without Him, and I believe that when I die my faith in Jesus Christ will be the only thing that allows me to enter through the gates of heaven. I have attended Christ Church of the Valley for four years and can’t image there being a better place to really come to understand who Christ is and begin to comprehend the bible. My current favorite bible verse is 1 Corinthians 15:10 of the message translation of the bible which states, “But because God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am. And I’m not about to let his grace go to waste”. I try to live out these words every day, and do everything in my power to honor God and not waste the days that He has given me here on earth. A lot of the friends I have made in college are from the student ministry I’m involved in on campus known as the Navigators. I participate in a co-ed bible study every Wednesday night that was formed through the Navigators, where we cook dinner for one another, spend time together, and read, interpret, and study the bible. I look forward to Wednesdays and there is very little that would keep me away from being with those people every Wednesday night.
Besides participating in events and activities with the Navigators I enjoy watching television, being around children, and being on stage. The two places that I feel completely content and in control of myself are when I’m in a classroom and when I’m performing. I’ve been in choir since I was in 5th grade and have been singing on stage ever since. I was also was a highly active member of my school’s drama club in high school. I was the head of both the props crew and the front house team for the fall plays, as well as acting and singing in all of the school musicals. My senior year I was an officer for the drama club. I honestly believe that I will never find a group of people more accepting, understanding, and loving then the Centennial High School drama club. When a large group of people work together toward an end result you can’t help but to learn to trust and care about each other. Every member of that club worked tremendously hard to put together a quality show, and whether we succeeded or not we were elated at the end of each performance. While the drama club at my high school was a big influence on the person that I am today there’s another organization and group of people that I have been a part of for a much longer time and still am to this day.
I have worked for the City of Peoria Tiny Tot recreation program since I was 14. Tiny Tots is a drop-in program for four and five year old children that participate in a variety of activities six hours a day, five days a week. We provide a daily field trip, a morning snack, and a plethora of classroom events for the children to take part in. I just finished my sixth summer working for the city and it’s hard to image spending my summer any other way. Not only do I love being with the kids, but I have met some extraordinary people working for the program who like myself continue to come back year after year. Exercise 2 began my thinking about how Randy Proch who just finished his 9th summer, Liz Levardo her 8th and Matt Tozzi who recently completed his 6th have influenced my life. These three people have watched me grow up with this program. They’ve seen me improve, they’ve helped me tough situations, and I know that I can trust all of them with any aspect of my life. Liz is now my supervisor, and has asked me to be her second in command next summer should I choose to go back. Randy and I have been dating now for over a year, he plays a huge role in my life, and Matt and I get along incredibly well, and will always be great friends.
As I explored the concepts illustrated in exercise 2, I began to ponder what material object holds the most significance to me. After much consideration I decided that that artifact is my stuffed teddy bear that I received for my fourth birthday. He was given to me by my grandmother who traveled from Michigan to Ohio for my fourth birthday party. I believe he became my preferred stuffed animal when I was young because he’s larger then the average teddy bear and easier to hug, in addition to the fact that he was a gift. As a child I named him Robert Bear after my little brother, but that name was quickly adapted to Bear Bear which I affectionately call him to this day. I picked Bear Bear as my artifact of choice because he’s probably the one thing I own that I can see myself being physically and emotionally distraught about if he were to disappear and or perish in some way. There’s no way to replace him because he’s been a part of my life for sixteen years now and I guarantee there’s no other teddy bear that can replicate the emotion I feel towards this inanimate object. To this day when I’m feeling lonely, had a bad day, or feel like things are out of my control, I give Bear Bear a hug until I feel as if I can face the world again. Disregarding the fact that he is a stuffed animal I believe Bear Bear has played a role in my development because he’s been something constant and reliable in my life that I can turn to for comfort and refuge. This can relate to the predictability within an environment that was discussed by Hyson (Hyson, 2004). Bear Bear was a part of my environment that never changed, and thus I knew that when new situations arose he would be something I could turn to that I was not inexperienced with and feel comforted and confident.
I felt that the results of exercise 3 were pretty concise as to how I view myself. According to this test I am harmony-production driven. As I read the personal objective/personality components chart I came to the realization that I do posses many of the traits listed in both of these areas simultaneously. For example, while I do become emotional at times through crying, it is not always because of a friendship dilemma or something to that effect. Often it is because I feel I have failed, let someone down, or have not completed what I feel needs to be completed. In this way I feel I meld the two personality components together quite nicely.
I believe my current social and emotional profile will influence my relationship with children in a positive way. To begin my laid back personality is quite perceptible and accommodating to working with and creating relationships with children. While I do feel that I can illicit a certain amount of control within a classroom to accomplish what is desired for the day I also can allow children to be themselves, and act as they want to as long as it’s within the parameters that are expected at that moment and enable a child’s safety. I don’t think it’s necessary to control every action of a child when they are in my care, and I believe that children can pick up on that and respect it, creating a respectful yet friendly relationship between teacher and student. My sense of humor will also allow me to joke around with the kids I work with which contributes to a friendly relationship because children discover that my goal is not to tell them what to do but to encourage them to grasp concepts that are necessary while keeping in mind that each student is different and has the right to express that. Being a laid back person with a sense of humor will allow children that I come in contact with to be themselves without fear or judgment and learn that a person in authority can also be a trustworthy friend. The personality components of harmony-productive driven person that I posses also allows me to empathize with children while at the same time encouraging them to accomplish what is expected of them.
My philosophy statement about how children develop socially and emotionally is that;
Every child is different and deserves to be accepted and celebrated because of those differences. Development in a social and emotional sense occurs in a positive way when individuals put in a leadership or role model role support this and illustrate it to children. From these illustrations children begin to trust those individuals who support them and feel free to show emotion to their teachers and peers thus growing in a social and emotional context at the same time.
I believe my philosophy statement is lead by the idea of accepting differences because I have been fortunate enough in my life to find organizations and people such as my high school drama club and Tiny Tots, where I have been accepted for just who I am and have grown a great deal socially and emotionally from it. I believe that if I had felt judged or pressured to alter who I was by either of these groups my self-esteem would have plummeted, and I would have developed in a negative matter both emotionally and socially even at an older age. I feel blessed to have always have had people in my life who took me as I was and allowed for growth, I believe every child should receive the same treatment.
I was avoiding doing my massive assignment due on Thursday and reading some blogs of people I know, or know of. Everyone seems to have the same general blog come up at some point.
What is love?
Well at least in some form or another. It’s strange to think about really. I’ve heard terms thrown around a lot lately, and heard other people rationalize me out of those terms. One of them is “love of my life.” I suppose I should be contemplating my thoughts in relevance to God, but right now it’s time for the random.
I believe that when I was 16 and was dating my first real boyfriend, that he was my first love. The kind that sweeps you off your feet, and makes your head spin. He was my first kiss, the first guy I said I love you too, the first guy I heard it from. Yeah I was 16, young naïve and easily giving my heart away, but I would never go back and changed any of it. It was exciting and fun and reckless. If you don’t do that once in your life I feel you’re missing out. So I guess in a way I “loved” that guy. I know I love him now, and he loves me back, but it’s not that “we’re in love, I belong to you, I must be with you as often as possible” kinda thing.
Then there was the 2nd guy. This was different. I can’t explain it, I think I fell for him because he accepted me. He took me as I was and there didn’t need to be any explanation for it, but I got comfortable. I was happy when I was with him, but he didn’t really challenge me, or make me work on the relationship or make me realize anything about myself. That just wasn’t meant to be. The issues we tried to fix with no avail still hurt me to think about sometimes. I just didn’t understand why trying so hard was getting me nowhere. I felt like he was being perceptive, and I bet he felt I was being a bitch. But it ended amicably. And there would be nothing stopping me from having a conversation with him, if I ran into him somewhere.
So this current guy. I’ve gushed about him before. He knows it. I like him, I care about him a great deal. He’s the one I know I can count on, and I don’t have a story about how it ended between us because it hasn’t.
My original topic, what is love? I don’t think we get to decide that. I don’t think it’s up to us, and I think that regardless of how hard we try we can’t show true love to others. I think the only being that can show true love is God. He gave us the ultimate example of love and anything we do to try and replicate that falls unbelievably short of what He gave to us. I’ve been trying to wrap my brain around this concept a lot lately, subconsciously I guess because I didn’t realize I had been thinking about it until I started writing. I think with recent events and proclamations of love and commitment happening around me, I start to wonder why I’m not at that place. However I don’t think this for long because I know that God has a path for me, a perfect place, time and person for me already lined up.The only job I have is to acknowledge this, and trust that it’ll happen.
Something else interesting: A lot of times in country songs, artists mention God and prayer. I always wonder if the artists/writers are actually Christians. Today I stumbled upon 1 Corinthians 13:13-
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I then recognized the wording as what I knew as a country song by Alan Jackson about September 11th (sorry I’ve been a country fan longer then I’ve been a Christian, some things stick : p ).
“Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us. And the greatest is love.”
It just made me happy that hey, this artist is using lyrics from scripture, he knows what he’s talking about. I wonder how many other song lyrics, from non-Christian artists, are rooted in scripture. It’d be a good paper topic, if I wasn’t an education major. Anyway that’s what was in my head, and what now is on electronic paper.
There are some things I don't understand. Some things I just don't get and I'm not sure if I ever will, or if I was meant to. There's news I don't understand the delivery, logic, or messenger of. There's thinks that are out of my control and should probably stay that way. There are times when I hope everything's okay, and times that I know it's not. There are things that seem to fall perfectly into place, and things that seem doomed from the start, even if you're the only one who can't see the impending doom.
I don't do this a lot. I don't blog. I use to, I use to write a lot in high school, when I wasn't living in the theatre department. I'd write blogs on myspace, and post them for all to see, except the ones related to boys or drama, those only the preferred list people could see. My preferred list was comprised of my two best friends. We were never allowed to post a private blog, because that meant one of us was mad at the other and wasn't telling, or we were keeping secrets, which you just don't do. It's funny I know, and very high school, but I miss it. I miss them.
I miss a lot of things- I miss Ohio, I miss my family, I miss rain, I miss the green, I miss being able to wake up and walk down the stairs in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear because only my family was home and they didn't care, I miss looking into a backyard of trees, rocks, weeds, and a ravine, I miss not caring, I miss not being accoutable for my actions, I miss being little and taken care of, and I miss things I didn't know I'd lost.
I miss being able to have a conversation without feeling like I'm letting the other person down or boring them, I miss not having to fill every quiet moment with words or sound, I miss having friends. And the funny thing is, I'm not sure how this all happened. I mean the first list is nostalgic and if I really needed those things, there are ways to make them happen. I was in Ohio last summer and yes I loved it all.
But when did I forget how to be a person? I've always been shy, and I've always cared what people thought about me. I've always inhibited my actions so that I know they're okay with other people before I perform them. I've always sensored myself because I've always felt I had to. Except around a few people:
Ryan- my ex-boyfriend of a year and a half who got me through a lot, and I always felt I could be just who I was around. No judgements, no expectations. He was probably the first person who let me know I was okay. He's a good guy.
Charlotte- went through the same boy crap that I did at the same time our junior year of high school. That was how we started talking, and venting, and complaining, and coping with it all. It helped, and with Char it's usually pretty easy because she's aware that I'm quiet when I don't have anything to say, so she'll fill the space.
Ginger- was there that one random day when I drug her outside to the picnic tables at Centennial and complained and vented about a theatre situation. She just kinda sat there and took it. She and I are a lot alike in the way that we express ourselves, or at least use to. Non-verbally. I use to do that a lot, I've gotten much better. I'd rather my boyfriend call me to argue with me, then spend 5 hours texting it all to me. That wouldn't have happened a year ago. And I know Ginge has gotten a lot better at this too.
**I'm somewhere between these 2, well not physically, they're both out in California going to school. They're roommates at Biola (I get to see them this weekend!), they go to the same church, involved in the same things, and sometimes I feel like I have nothing to connect with them with anymore. We had theatre, and theatre friends, we had boys, and school, and being busy, now I don't feel like there's much to talk about. Maybe it's just me, maybe it's my biased self-reflection.
Randy- Oh boy. I've known Randy for about 5 years now, because I think 6 summers equates to 5 years. We met working with the preschoolers at the summer recreation program I talk about all the time. I owe this boy more then I can ever tell him, or thank him for. Randy brought me to church, Randy showed me what it was like to have someone dedicated to your well being. Randy showed me what it was to be spoiled, and taken care of, and that it was okay to rely on someone else once in a while. He's always been the one that I could go to no matter what. If I got in trouble he'd have 5 ways to fix it and 2 of them may even be legal. We are dating now, but I don't know if that's even relevent because it's just the two of us being us, except mushier and closer.
Stephanie- I could tell her anything, and I did. There were very fews walls between us, more like rikkity fences that we put minimal effort into building, sincerely for the other's comfort. I was only myself around her, no one else. I never lied to her, rarely got upset with her. That's all I'm gonna say I think.
Marcus Lloyd- we dated junior year of high school and it pains me to say that he was the boy I went through all the crap stuff with with Char. I got over it, no worries. Marcus is one of those people, people wish for in their lives. We don't talk all the time, don't hang out a whole lot, but we're never going to say we're not friends anymore. He's my best friend in every sense of the word, we're just not your typical best friends. He's gonna be there for me no matter what I need. I'd die for him, I'd die for any member of his family, and vise versa. I could ask him, but I already know he feels the same way about me.
Brandon (Cousin)- so we're not actually related, at all, like not even a little bit. One year in high school my friends all decided to adapt each other and Brandon became my cousin. And it stuck apparently because I still get a "Hey Cuz" text whenever he's in town. Brandon's a good guy, incredibly laid back and cool with just about anything, even being lit on fire, and yeah it's happened, quite often actually. He's one of those people who doesn't actually have to talk about anything. Random comments are good with us, they're actually required if you want to engage us in conversation. He's ALWAYS going to be cousin. There's no getting out of it now.
I'm not exactly sure why I wrote all of that. It turned more into an I love you fest but oh well. I guess I did it to let people know who I was, where I came from, and who I am. I've been involved in Nav stuff for the past two years and very few people know who I actually am. I always have fun with them, they're all very nice and entertaining people but I guess I'm still searching for approval.
You should know, I don't talk a lot, and when I do there's always this fear that I'm boring the other person, or I have to perform to keep up the conversation. It's a long standing fear that I've had since I was old enough to have adult conversations. I'm not good at it, and I really am content listening to conversations, and adding comments here and there. I really am okay watching people play games, or just hanging out and watching TV. I guess those actions don't get you many friends, or make you seem like an outsider or stuck up. I don't dislike people, in fact there's one person on the entire earth that I'm not a huge fan of, I have no idea where she is now, and if you knew our past you'd understand how much merit I have in that statement.
I guess I just thought I'd give myself a stress free outlet to show people who I am and what I think about. I'm not gonna keep anyone from reading this, and I vow to never put anything untruthful in here. I'll keep it open, but here it is. I hope people actually read it, and look for updates. You don't have to comment or tell me that you read it. It's just an option, and if you're interested in me at all, I'll try to keep it as accurate as possible.
I'm a 20 year old junior at Arizona State University starting her program to become an early childhood educator. I'll be working with children from birth through third grade. I'm from Ohio, and miss being there a lot. I'm really close to my family and my siblings. I try my best every day to reflect Jesus Christ and the sacrifice He made for all of us, in all I do.
